Oh No, I’m Not Cool Anymore

Posted on April 6, 2013 by tehren

When I was 17 I made a really stupid decision. I was at a party with some friends, and went outside to talk to some people who I wanted to get to know better. One of them offered me a cigarette and in an adolescence-induced fit of insanity, I took it and let someone light it for me. Idiot. I don’t remember even liking it that much, but it gave me an excuse to hang out with these people a bit more; people who seemed to be on a similar wavelength as far as our interests and outlooks went, and I wanted to be in the gang.

Of course if I had possessed any sense I would have realised that if these people wanted to be my friends it would have been based on my personality and not whether I picked up a silly habit. Hindsight is an accursed thing. By the time I realised this it had become a habit; just something I did like so many other people. We know it’s unhealthy and dangerous, but everyone needs a vice, right?

Silly. Still, as we know life is one long self-improvement project and I’m happy to report that as of today I am:

Which I think is quite good.

I’ve been wanting to knock the tabs (to use the local vernacular) on the head for a while. Smoking and running don’t really go together, and it’s a gross and deadly habit. Last year my maternal grandmother died of lung cancer having smoked for at least 40 years. She gave up a number of years ago which was an amazing achievement, but it caught up to her in the end. Mind you, if she hadn’t given up things could have developed a lot sooner. At least the last few years were smoke-free. I decided I didn’t want to be a 40-year smoker “having” to give up because of old age, pressure from my family or simply because I couldn’t climb stairs without wheezing. I wanted to quit while it was still my decision. So I did.

A lot of friends, acquaintances or whoever talked to me about Champix, nicotine replacements and electronic cigarettes, but the method I decided to use was to go cold turkey. That was… well, I felt like I was on drugs for about a week. Weird drugs that made your skin crawl, your head swim and your blood boil. There were occasional bouts of euphoria but these would last about five seconds before being replaced with a strange sadness, yearning and light-headedness. Thankfully I managed to avoid any serious meltdowns, and once the physical nicotine dependence wore off it was just a matter of tackling the mental addiction.

The thing about nicotine is that the physical addiction is easy to break. It only takes a few days for it to leave your bloodstream; the hardest part is identifying and combating the mental addiction. Once you realise that any stress relief you felt from smoking before was simply alleviating nicotine withdrawal and that cigarettes don’t actually do *anything* for you, it’s up to you to figure out why you started and continued to smoke.

For me it was because I wanted to feel as though I belonged to something. The cool kids all smoked, and I wanted to be a cool kid too. In my favourite books and films the subversive and intellectual characters smoked like chimneys, and I wanted to identify with those people. I forgot that I wasn’t living in early to mid-20th century Paris or New York. Once I realised that it’s far more admirable to carve your own path and be remembered for more than having a silly habit, things got a bit easier. Of course when you’re floating around the room and you feel as though you’re crawling out of your own skin, it’s useful to have some quick mantras to refer to:

1. You will never look as cool as the old movie stars.

Seriously. This will never be you:

The best a real person can hope for is this:

Yes that’s Dot Cotton from Eastenders, but it was tricky finding photos that wouldn’t be seen as “lol look at this old lady she’s dying” or invade privacy.

2. It’s gross and it makes the outdoors look like crap.

Ah, what a glorious day. The sun is shining, the flowers are blooming, and… what’s that over there? Oh. Some nasty litter. Not just any litter, litter that has been in people’s mouths and then thrown willy-nilly onto the ground.

Oh. Ewww.

3. You smell bad and you should feel bad.

I used to think that the worst smells in the world were things like wet dog, poop, and the fur shrug that woman sitting next to me was wearing when I was riding the DC Metro a couple of years ago, but now I’ve had to add smoker to that list. The absolute worst smell? Wet smoker. Especially when they’ve warmed up a bit. No amount of Febreeze in the world can effectively cover up that stink, no matter what the adverts say.

You know what smells nice? Soap. Simple, clean soap. And being able to still smell soap on yourself even hours after you’ve showered is really really nice. Mmm, soap.

So there we go. I used to do something stupid, and now I don’t do that anymore. It wasn’t easy, but there are worse things in the world. I realise that I could still develop a smoking-related illness even though I’ve given up, and that I could easily relapse, but that’s all on me and would be no-one’s fault but my own. But for however long I’ve got to enjoy my relative youth (30 is the new 20, because I say so ), I’m going to give this clean air thing a good old try. I may not be cool, but at least I smell, look and feel better

Formative Years

Posted on January 19, 2013 by tehren

I was born in 1982. Lots of things happened during that decade, but none of them really made much of an impact on my soft little developing brain. Then the 90s began and due to excellent timing and coincidence, a little Nerdly Wife (although back then I was just a Nerdly Lass) started becoming more curious about the world and developing her own tastes. It was a rather strange start to the decade; the first female (still up for debate) prime minister finally buggered off, but the Tories remained in power. Everything was brightly-coloured (possibly to distract us from our new, somewhat grey leadership), and it all seemed… saccharine and detached from reality.

Thank Cthulhu for Britpop and the advent of Cool Britannia.

Grunge had drifted over the Atlantic in the late 80s and while it was nice and everything Britpop finally gave us 90s kids something to identify with. Where the hell is Seattle? I dunno. Hey look, this guy is from Sheffield. I’ve been there. Britpop started in the early 90s and hit its peak in 1995, the year I turned 13 and started high school (I’m a product of the three-tier educational system). Marvellous.

At that time kids my age in Northumberland were allotted into two main camps; hippies and charvas. Each group named the other using extremely simplistic terms, but I was quite pleased that the charva kids didn’t want to hang out with me. They were scary, they wore tracksuits and their music was terrible. I embraced my new-found classification and decided to see what it was all about. I’d like to think that Britpop was the first thing that influenced my tastes, outlook and ideologies, which probably sounds silly but bear with me.

Britpop introduced me to nerdy creative guys:

Nyawww…

Could do with a bit of feeding up, but that’s ok.

I like your glasses, Mr Hannon

My favourites were Graham Coxon from Blur, Jarvis Cocker from Pulp (and now simply “Jarvis”) and Neil Hannon from the Divine Comedy. I learned that smart nerdy guys are hot. A very valuable lesson.

The real pioneers of 90s “Girl Power” weren’t primped and plucked airheads showing their knickers:

I hated the Spice Girls. Hated, hated, hated them. People who liked them and thought they were “Like, totally showing guyz what for teehee” were, in my opinion, ditzy morons who wouldn’t know female empowerment if it smacked them in the face.

Yuck

Nope. Nope, nope, nope.

Eschewing the sparkly “GRRL POWAAAH” brigade, I focused my attentions on the bands Garbage and Sleeper. Both of these groups were fronted by women who seemed a lot more to my tastes.

Louise Wener from Sleeper

Shirley Manson from Garbage

Yeah! These women sang about relationships, sex, how miserable it is to simply be alive sometimes, and life. There was no need to stomp around shouting about how independent they were and how girls would take over the world, just decent songs about real things that affect EVERYONE, regardless of gender or status. That’s female empowerment.

The end…

Eventually all good things must end, and after the peak and eventual decline of Britpop things were left open for other acts to come in and have a go. In 1997 Radiohead released “OK Computer”, and for me it made the transition from bouncy Britpop to more “serious” music and discovering more esoteric genres as easy as sneering at an East 17 reunion tour poster. The rest of my teenage years saw me flirting with hard rock, goth, industrial, electronica and the seemingly endless “post-whatever” classifications, but Britpop laid the foundation for the person I became and for that it will always have a soft squishy place in my memories.

Also as time has gone by and my old idols have matured, I learned that even if you start channelling the insane Open University lecturer look you’ll still be hot:

Professor Cocker

Funtography 4: Fun with the Fisheye2

Posted on January 1, 2013 by tehren

Happy New Year, nerds! I hope whatever you were doing to welcome 2013 made you happy, and if it didn’t then at least it means that things can only improve. Hooray!

I spent my post-Xmas limbo week (the week between Xmas Day and New Year’s Eve) getting reacquainted with my old friend 35mm film thanks to being gifted a Lomography Fisheye2 camera by my sister-in-law, and it’s been a hell of a lot of fun.

Lomography is a genre and method of photography that uses “toy” cameras to capture and share analog photographs (ie. on rolls of film) with other Lomo fans, and because of the often slightly shonky construction of these cameras, the little quirks and foibles associated with Soviet-era photographic technology. Basically… crappy plastic cameras that occasionally make pretty photos through sheer luck, tinkering and messing about. Exactly the kind of thing I enjoy.

The Fisheye2 has been updated slightly from the original Fisheye to include a hotshoe with viewfinder attachment, a tough metal body, a bulb setting and a switch to make shooting multiple exposures easy-peasy. The result is that the new Fisheye is hardier, has more features, a proper fisheye viewfinder, and is cute as a button:

If you’ve used any sort of old-skool film camera before operation is fairly self-explanatory. There’s a shutter release button, an on/off switch for the flash, and wind wheel/crank for moving film along a frame and winding it back into the canister when you finish a roll.

The lens is set at F8 with a focal length of 10mm, and it can’t be removed from the camera body. The supplied lens cap is cute, but not very secure and it will pop off with any small knocks or inside your bag. Apparently a better cap is in the works, but I think it goes quite nicely with the brand if I’m honest. A bit shonky, but charming.

(By the way if you like the nifty little wrist strap the camera is toting, you can visit the store of a lovely Etsy seller known as FunkyMutt - she makes dog collars and camera straps. I use one of her larger straps on my K5 and it’s so comfortable and awesome)

Another nice feature of the Fisheye2 is the LNB slider:

This lets you either lock the shutter (so it doesn’t go off in your bag/pocket/at the slightest bump), shoot a normal exposure, or switch it into bulb mode for long exposures. In normal mode the camera shoots at 1/100s. There is no light meter on this camera, so it is strictly “shoot it and see”, but if you have experience with taking wild guesses depending on the light available and the ASA (ISO) of the film you’re using, it’s not a big deal. It reminds me of snapping things with an old Kodak Tele-Instamatic that an aunt gave to me when I was six and would eagerly await the trip to the photo developers to see what delights I’d created. Good times.

Using the Fisheye2 is easy as hell. Peer through the viewfinder (or not; sometimes “shooting from the hip” can make some pretty awesome snapshots), release the shutter, wind the film along and there you go.

Time for some sample shots? Yes, I think so! All of these photos were taken with Fujicolor C200 film that I picked up from my local Boots. Other brands are available (‘natch), but this particular variety was on offer at the time.

Bulb Mode:

I had a lot of fun getting these shots, especially as I had to guess how long I should open the shutter for. One thing I would recommend is finding a sturdy flat surface or tripod if you don’t want jiggly photographs, as the camera body is very light. One thing missing from the Fisheye2 which was slightly disappointing is a tripod mount, but I got around this by using a cheap mount for a smartphone which perfectly fit the height of the camera. I then broke the mount by dropping it on the ground later, but hey.

Multiple Exposures:

Also very, very fun to do. There’s no limit to how many exposures you want to use on a single frame, so go nuts. You can combine the different shutter modes, use the flash for some shots, or just shoot and shoot and shoot to see what happens.

Normal Mode:

The Fisheye2 shoots with a 170 degree field of vision, which means that images in the centre of the frame look relatively normal, but towards the edges they curve in a fairly lovely way. As you get closer to your subject it appears slightly distorted and bulbous, which is also fun.

Mishaps:

I mentioned earlier that the construction of Lomo cameras was a little iffy, and one thing they are notorious for is light leakage:

Like I give a damn. You can buy apps that let you add light leaks to smartphone snapshots, so when they happen by accident it’s quite nice.

If you’d like to see more of my first forays into the world of Lomo you can visit this Flickr set. None of them have been post-processed, so everything you see in the frame was done by the camera and an incident when I accidentally triple-exposed some frames during a film rewind error.

SO THEN…

What do I think? I think if you miss the olden days of snapping and hoping, or want to get away from sterile, prescribed methods of photography and try something a little more chaotic, you can’t go wrong by messing with a toy camera. The one big downside is that buying rolls of film and getting them developed is a lot more expensive these days, but the excitement and pleasure at discovering that you’ve made something interesting is worth it. Developing your own negatives and prints is also an option, and if you have the space and equipment for your own darkroom (or have easy access to one), let me know so I can visit because The Nerdly Household doesn’t have any space to set one up in

Magical Disappearing Nerd

Posted on December 29, 2012 by tehren

Oh, hi…

So, how are you all? I’m sorry I haven’t updated since… forever… but it’s because I was having all sorts of adventures and… Actually, I’m just very lazy. Sorry. Anyway, during my downtime I’ve been acquiring some decent topics to write about, so hopefully I can start being active again. Sorry.

I still need to do a bit of planning and pondering, but some topics I thought I could cover in the next few weeks/months may include:

1. The Walking Dead The Game conclusion.

2. Funtography 4: Lomo Adventures.

3. The trouble with M&Ms.

4. That time I got Gangnam Styled at in the park.

5. My hopes and dreams for 2013 (although I haven’t decided what my hopes and dreams were for 2012 yet so uh…)

Yeaah. Nice to see you all again though, we should definitely do this more often.

A Nation of Barmpots

Posted on August 4, 2012 by tehren

Barmpot (noun): 1. A silly person. 2. A British person.

The world’s biggest sports day kicked off last week. I hope you saw the opening ceremony (or at least caught a highlights reel later on). It was, in the words of Dizzee Rascal, bonkers. Given the fact that this time it’s being hosted in Britain, could it have been any other way? Would we want it any other way? Hell naw.

British people may seem serious and stuffy out the outside, but that’s just a façade. Underneath you’ll find that we’re all absolutely barmy, but we are very much aware of this thank you very much. It’s part of our national pride. It’s how we carry on and get things done. I wouldn’t swap it for anything in the world. Being able to laugh at oneself is a skill, and I feel quite lucky that I was born in a country where it’s an innate behaviour rather than something that has to be learned.

Still don’t believe that we’re all certifiably insane, bonkers, barmy and nuts? List time!

1. White Van Man

You’re just driving along (on the left, of course) doing your thing, when suddenly your rear-view mirror fills up with a terrifying sight. A man driving a large vehicle seems to want to overtake you, but why is he riding your rear bumper first? You meet eyes with him and give him an “Excuse me?” look and he returns your gesture by flicking the double Vs. He eventually overtakes and passes you, just barely missing your side mirrors, then veers in front of you forcing you to mash the brake pedal to avoid careening into his rear doors.

Congratulations, you just survived an encounter with White Van Man. An ubiquitous phenomenon in Britain, although nowadays the vans don’t have to be white and the drivers don’t have to be men. A good rule of thumb is that if you spot a vehicle large enough to be used for commercial use, BE AFRAID.

Another great British trait is that rather than tackle an issue head on, we’ll eventually just learn to live with it and accept it as one of those things that you dismiss with a roll of the eyes and a nervous chuckle. Then when you come across somebody driving a van who actually obeys The Highway Code and is a courteous driver it’s a nice surprise and makes us feel good for the future of humanity, while forgetting THAT’S HOW IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE. At least until we turn a corner and another chap threatens to smash your face in for indicating a right turn, and then we’re back to “Oh I know, isn’t it awful? Oh well, can’t be helped, teehee”.

2. Pride/Hate/Love/Hate

“That building is a monstrosity”

“How much is this national event going to cost??”

“It’ll go wrong. We can’t do anything right.”

“Woooo Union Jack flags woooo!”

“National treasure!”

We’re a nation of contradiction. We want more effective law enforcement, but we hate CCTV and strict policing. We want to celebrate our history and heritage, but we hate pomp and circumstance. We invented pomp and circumstance. We want to show the rest of the world what we’re capable of, but we don’t want to pay for it. What do we actually want? I’ve been a Britlander for 30 years now and I think I’ve worked it out; we just want to confuse people. That’s it. Then maybe have a nice cup of tea and a sit down, but we mostly just want to mess with other people’s heads. Muwahahahah!

Oh and a quick tip: if you’re visiting Britain and a citizen starts complaining about the skyline, the buildings, the politics or even just the lack of street lights, DO NOT JOIN IN. You don’t get to disparage Old Blighty, that’s our job.

3. Voting for a London mayoral candidate “For a laugh”, turns out to not be such a bad idea after all.

We love the underdog in this country. We also love the buffoon. Which is fitting considering how crackers we are anyway. In 2008 everyone’s favourite floppy-haired overgrown public schoolboy Boris Johnson was a candidate in the running for London Mayor. I don’t live in London so I get to view the role of Mayor as a bit of old guff and can’t vote for my favourite candidate (although it didn’t stop me writing “RED KEN FOR MAYOR” on my school textbooks in 2000… oh dear), I have to admit that the “lol this will be a laugh” movement to get Johnson into power actually worked pretty well.

The London Mayor is responsible for looking after policies and budgets in London while championing the city around the world. Keeping a barmpot in charge of all that means that we get to show other countries what we’re really like, even if some of his buffoonery is clearly for show. It’s like a Barmpot Sampler. Look at what you could win. Be our friend, we’ll make you laugh.

Oh Boris, how did that happen? Oh you!

So yes. British people. We’re all nuts. But don’t point it out if you’re not from here or we’ll tut and you won’t get any biscuits. Well you will, but they won’t be the fancy ones. Yeah.

What the Diet Books DON’T Tell You… Part 2

Posted on July 7, 2012 by tehren

The way I see it life is one long self-improvement project. We continually learn and develop from the day we’re born until we die (or as I like to think of it; when we run out of credits), and that’s a Good Thing. It means that we are the only ones responsible for how we live our lives, and even if we end up the victim of circumstances that we couldn’t possibly control, the way we react and adapt is totally up to us. It’s pretty sweet really.

However, some things are inescapable truths, so it’s best to be aware of them so that you can be prepared to deal with them. In the previous installment of “What the Diet Books DON’T Tell You…” I talked about some of the effects I’d noticed from embarking upon an adventure in Eat Less Crap, Move Around A Bit More. Today I’d like to add some extra little bits and pieces, including a couple of observations I can’t really voice anywhere else.

WARNING: The following text may include rambling, harsh judgements and sweeping generalisations.

1. Exercise and nutrition-tracking apps are very useful, but they’re also evil.

One of the most nifty things about modern technology is that if there’s a task to be done, there’s an app for it. We use apps to wake up in the morning, to tell us what the weather might do later in the day, and to bounce a little dude with no arms up a height for some reason. For the past five weeks I’ve been using Nike+ with my iPod and a little sensor thingie that sits in a special pouch on top of my shoe. It’s a really useful little tool; it tracks your steps, plays music at you, and gives you vocal feedback on how you’re doing. There’s just one problem… it’s evil.

I’m not saying it’s sentient or anything like that (although it’s only a matter of time…) but I keep finding myself pushing myself harder, speeding up and going for longer just so I won’t disappoint the lady who tells me how far I’ve run, how long it’s taken me and what my current pace is. It’s ridiculous. It’s like having a lobotomised personal trainer who has retained the key phrases from their job but might not even know you’re there. I guess I could choose the male voice, but I think having a stern lady telling me what to do gives me enough annoyance to try harder. Note: this is not advised if you’re driving with a satnav. When I was driving in the States I wanted to strangle our GPS unit. The judgemental cow. Yeah, I’ll do a U-turn. I’ll U-turn you right in your smug mouth.

Still, it bloody works. When you break a personal record and get an achievement (achievements! Those cunning sods!) you feel brilliant. Even if you flag a little some days you can usually figure out why and make a mental note to try and fix things for next time. Then you’ll show her.

2. Gaining entry to an exclusive club that you never wanted to be part of in the first place.

Ah, women. We do love to belong. Most of us, anyway… I’d rather read a book in a quiet corner, but hey. When word gets out that you’re making some lifestyle changes and it’s working, you’re suddenly expected to join in with the fellow diet-fans. “Oh great! I can swap tips and recipes with people who also care about feeling good!” Sorry, that’s not how it works. See, the reason these people are such experts on practically every diet in existence and can tell you within half a second how many calories are in a fun-sized Mars Bar is because this is their life. They don’t aspire to make long-lasting changes, they aspire to be on a diet. Forever.

It’s quite disappointing, but if you stay vigilant you can spot the warning signs:

Referring to food as either “good” or “bad” with nothing in-between. Example sentences include “Oh I’m being good today” or “I was dead bad at the weekend.” Perma-dieters see the world in black and white. “Moderation” is an alien concept.
Shrieking loudly in despair whenever anyone mentions biscuits.
Terrible food choices or a lack of basic nutrition. Four Ryvita crackers is not a healthy meal.

These are the main indicators of a perma-dieter, so if someone vying for your attention exhibits any or all of these traits, RUN LIKE HELL. If you’re not careful, getting involved with people like this can lead to…

3. Lame competition.

“I ran 5 miles in 15 minutes yesterday, and that was after I’d done a 17-hour day at work with only a grape for sustenance and went to three zumba classes.”

“Well I sucked out all of my excess body fat using a Roomba and a length of garden hosepipe.”

“I’m vapour!”

People like to see how they measure up compared to other people. It’s a basic human trait, but that doesn’t mean it’s useful. Don’t join in with it. You’ll either end up telling fibs to try and top some other fibber’s tales, or you’ll feel awful because you don’t measure up. Just do things to the best of your abilities and feel satisfied with that. Life isn’t a competition.

4. Treats are actually treats.

I’d like to end on a positive note here. The best part of keeping an eye on what you eat, taking time to prepare good food and taking note of what your body needs is that when you fancy a little treaty something (whatever your treaty somethings are; mine are chocolate, pizza, craft beer and cake) it tastes so fantastic, so earth-shatteringly awesome that you can almost feel the dopamine flowing through your system. If you have treats all of the time, they’re not treats any more. You become apathetic towards little pleasures, and end up trying to find it in more and more places. People go shopping, they spend money they don’t really have on trinkets and widgets that they don’t really need, or they do something utterly deranged, hopeless and world-ending such as get into the Fifty Shades of Grey series. Anything to try and recreate that high and feel special.

The thing is, if you feel special all of the time, nothing is ever special ever again. Plus you’ll end up becoming one of those mad people who think it’s ok to talk about poorly-written BDSM fanfic in public. Not good. Keep it simple and you’ll find pleasure in even the smallest things.

The Girl Who Kicked a Nest full of Xenomorphs and then Stabbed them with a Sword.

Posted on June 30, 2012 by tehren

I was having a think the other day about idols and role models. I realised that all of mine are fictional and apart from Batman (you can’t not include him; he just gets upset) they’re all women taking on roles that would traditionally be done by men. They’re also strong-willed, ass-kicking and downright awesome.

1. Ellen Ripley

She’s had a tough time has Ripley, or “Rippers” as I’d probably call her if she was one of my friends. In 1979 her nice stasis nap was interrupted by a distress call that kicked off another three movies of her (or her almost-descendents) running around trying to stop nasty things from being nasty, but she does it in the most fantastic way ever. She manages to keep the balance between a woman concerned about protecting those around her while coming out on top after every struggle, even beating the menfolk who would normally be portrayed as rescuing the damsels in distress. Pff, we can help ourselves, dammit!

2. Lisbeth Salander

Lisbeth from the Millennium Trilogy is described as a lady who is introverted, asocial, and that she has difficulty making friends. She’s also had a pretty horrible past which probably made her turn out a little squiffy in the head, but she’s also brilliant. She’s a hacker with a photographic memory and an excellent mind for investigation and revenge. Case in point: if your new guardian tortures, rapes and abuses you while withholding your money unless you submit, what do you do? Report him to the authorities or break into his flat, give him a taste of his own medicine and then tattoo the words “I am a sadistic pig, a pervert, and a rapist” on his body?

AND THEN GET AWAY WITH IT??

Lisbeth could certainly do with some nice things happening in her life, and she’s definitely horribly broken, but you have to admire her determination. Also it’s nice to see a lady with a good collection of tech. I approve.

3. Brienne of Tarth

I have to admit I was a little worried about how HBO would portray this feisty lady. My vision of Brienne from the Game of Thrones books was of a woman who, while extremely skilled and loyal to the people she served, perhaps didn’t quite know how to carry herself and felt awkward unless she was wearing plate armour and wielding a sword. That’s exactly what we got in the series. Hooray for good casting! Oh Brienne, let us run around in the woods together teaching lessons to bandits and misogynists. Then we’ll share some ale and make a fire or something.

What do all of these ladies have in common? They’re not real. I’m sure there are ladies out there who are just like the fictional ones I’d adorn my locker door with if I was at an American high school (I watch too many films, don’t I?), but where are they? More to the point, where are WE?

Independent ladies unite! We marry, we find partners, we have families (sometimes), but we’re still our own people with a strong sense of who we are so let’s kick some arse. Grrr!

Interviews Suck

Posted on May 24, 2012 by tehren

Today I had a job interview. It’s only for a three-month fixed term deely at work, but it’s worth a shot, isn’t it? I got through the extremely picky preliminary stages, which involved emailing HR to express an interest in the position, and then the 45-minute ability test (which was quite good fun really), and today was the start of the interviews.

Mine was scheduled for 2pm, which meant six hours of pure terror waiting for the time to arrive. I’m terrible at interviews. If I’m asked to write an essay or do some sort of aptitude test it’s a breeze, but stick me in front of a couple of people asking questions and something in my brain goes terribly, terribly wrong.

So. After flicking through one of the laughably bad books in the work kitchen (it was about a British Rastafarian kung-fu master… it was dreadful) I was collected and lead to one of the meeting rooms, which today had been turned into THE CHAMBER OF PAIN. I sit down (bashing my work pass off the table as I do – always a good start) and we get started.

Interviewer Person: “Ok, can you give us an example of a time when *blah de blah blah something something*?”

It sounds like a reasonable request, but in my head this happens:

Me (internally monologuing): “Right. That’s not so bad. You’ve got at least a couple of examples of that on your notes, just relax and… I wonder why some pigeons have feathers on their feet? It always seems to be the ones that are black and white rather than the grey and pinkish ones… I should look it up when I get home. Hang on, have I started talking? Dude, they totally know you’re thinking about pigeons. Yeah, but… ok what did they want again? Actually I wonder how many species of pigeons we have in the UK? There’s wood pigeons, but they’re not like the city pigeons and there’s at least three kinds of those… Oh no, I’m in trouble here…”

Me (talking): “Well… ramble ramble ramble… ramble… ramble?”

The rest of the session was agonising, with lyrics to “Friday I’m in Love” and the singing verb endings from A-level French whirling around inside my stupid brain. What needed to be said was in there somewhere, but it got stuck. Oh well. I guess I’ll stay where I am for a bit longer even though I could totally do that job. Not that I’ll be bitter about it… *grumble*

Can I get a do-over? Preferably on paper and in a separate room. Or even from behind a veil with my voice altered to sound like Walter Matthau. That’s do-able, right?

What the Diet Books DON’T Tell You…

Posted on May 16, 2012 by tehren

I’ve lost a bit of weight recently. I don’t know how much because I don’t own a set of scales, nor am I going to buy any. All I know is that my clothes don’t fit so well any more and I look a bit less cuboid-shaped.

One of my New Year’s resolutions was to move around a bit more, so I’ve been doing that and it’s pretty fun. I like to do something active outside of my usual daily foot-commutes and wandering around town four or five times a week, and it’s got to the point where I start looking forwards to it and, shock horror, enjoying it. I don’t really have any goals (I’m using the Nike philosophy of “Just Do It FFS”, albeit with a little tinkering) and I’m not on a “diet” in the traditional sense, I’m just in it for the endorphins.

Unfortunately I’ve discovered some downsides to my new-found activities, and ones that the various lifestyle, fitness and health articles and websites never seem to mention:

1. You have to buy new clothes.

Remember at the start of the new school year everyone would turn up wearing giant school uniforms because they’d eventually grow into them? I’m experiencing the opposite. Jeans that fit quite nicely a couple of months ago are starting to sag, and there’s only so much you can do with a belt. A belt will make your pants sit better on your waist, but you’re left with excess material bulging out everywhere and over the course of a few hours they’ll eventually start to droop, leaving you pulling your pants up all day. Tops start gaping in all of the wrong places, so eventually you need to bite the bullet and go… ugh… clothes shopping.

2. It’s cooolllld…

Winter and cold days are usually a smug time for me. I pride myself on being able to throw on a sweater, good trousers and a thick jacket and get on with my day while skinnier people shiver and start turning blue. We’re currently experiencing the coldest May since… some time, and I’m suffering a bit. I miss my insulating flab!

3. Being asked to share your magical secrets all of the time and only providing disappointing answers.

I’ve mentioned before that I work in a place with real people, and one thing that real people love to talk about is diets and new ways to lose weight that don’t involve the basic rules of “Eat less crap, move around a bit more”. After a while your changing shape will become noticeable, and people will demand to know how you’re doing it. They rarely like the answer. I’m sorry

4. “Give us a twirl!”

Once people start noticing that you’re not as tubby as you used to be, they will want you to show them all of the time. On a few occasions I’ve felt as though I should stand on a desk and do a little dance, or maybe do a bit of flexing and posing. Just leave me alone please, ta.

5. Creeps.

When you have low self-esteem and don’t stand out, it’s easy to go about your day unnoticed. As soon as you start feeling good it shows, which alerts creeps to your presence. It’s not flattering when you have to run the gauntlet of people standing outside the pub and leering just so you can buy some milk from Tesco, and it’s certainly not nice when some prick shouts “NICE ARSE!” when you’re running in the park. The best solution I’ve found so far is to never go out in public without my iPod, so I can pretend that a gurning old man is actually miming to Bonnie Prince Billy.

6. Elbows become weapons.

JAB! JAB JAB JAB! Hey I just found another weapon against the creeps! Maybe it’s not so bad after all.

Although I guess if you weigh (har) everything up, feeling nice and getting a bit fitter makes up for all of the crappy stuff. I guess if I have any advice it’s to just enjoy yourself. Don’t get obsessed with numbers, and accept that your weight will change throughout your life. Sometimes you’ll be lighter than you are right now, and sometimes you’ll be heavier. Just do things for the enjoyment of it, and don’t let the pursuit of apparent perfection rule your life.

Or else you’ll end up like the real people. We can’t let that happen! Have fun, enjoy the ride, be happy with even the tiniest achievements. Ta-daa!

WTFcessories

Posted on May 13, 2012 by tehren

Gadgets are wonderful little things aren’t they? Everything you need (or just want to play with) can be stored in a device that fits easily into your pocket and you can whip out with only a moment’s notice. What convenience!

As we all know the market for shiny electronic toys has gone bananas thanks to affordable chips, data and labour (*ahem*) and now they’re for everyone, not just yuppies snorting cocaine in a (s)wanky bar in the 1980s while blethering on and on about about the “genius” of Duran Duran into a mobile phone the size of a newborn baby and lighting cigarettes with £50 notes.

Of course with the increased availability of gadgets there is a huge demand for accessories, widgets and gizmos to accompany our phones, tablets, mp3 devices and mobile libraries, and these can range from quite useful and sensible to downright “wtf”.

1. The Dexim DF AppSpeed Monster Truck.

It’s a monster truck that you control with your iPhone or iPad. Why? Is it just to say “Look at what else my glowing fruit device can do!” or is it for people who want to play with monster trucks but don’t want people to take the mickey? Hey, if you want to play with monster trucks, just go for it. They’re cheaper than this waste of plastic.

2. The iPhone SLR lens mount.

Want to make your Instagram shots look awesome before you make them look old? Do you already own a series of SLR lenses and you have too much money? Then this is for you! With one easy payment of $250 dollars you too can attach your Canon or Nikon lenses to your iPhone and shoot like the pros don’t.

Of course, you need the lenses first, and I don’t know many people who just have loads of lenses lying around without a camera to use them with, so why not just stick with that? You also have to carry the lenses around with you which would necessitate the use of, say, a camera bag. You know what else you can carry around in a camera bag? Oh yeah!

3. Aspire ePillow for Tablets.

Lying on the sofa and playing with consumer durables is hard wooork If only cushions existed so we could prop them up a bit while still remaining comfortable!

This thing costs £40. Maybe using a pillow or a scabby old sofa cushion that you already own wouldn’t be in keeping with the aesthetic of your gadget, but come on.

4. The OhMiBod.

(This is a bit rude)

I have no words. Actually I do. Those words are “NO. DO NOT WANT.”

Seriously people, we’re in a recession as it is. Just be happy with what you’ve already got.

The Nerdly Wife

Snapshots, Ponderings and Things I Like

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