Interviews Suck

Posted on May 24, 2012 by tehren

Today I had a job interview. It’s only for a three-month fixed term deely at work, but it’s worth a shot, isn’t it? I got through the extremely picky preliminary stages, which involved emailing HR to express an interest in the position, and then the 45-minute ability test (which was quite good fun really), and today was the start of the interviews.

Mine was scheduled for 2pm, which meant six hours of pure terror waiting for the time to arrive. I’m terrible at interviews. If I’m asked to write an essay or do some sort of aptitude test it’s a breeze, but stick me in front of a couple of people asking questions and something in my brain goes terribly, terribly wrong.

So. After flicking through one of the laughably bad books in the work kitchen (it was about a British Rastafarian kung-fu master… it was dreadful) I was collected and lead to one of the meeting rooms, which today had been turned into THE CHAMBER OF PAIN. I sit down (bashing my work pass off the table as I do – always a good start) and we get started.

Interviewer Person: “Ok, can you give us an example of a time when *blah de blah blah something something*?”

It sounds like a reasonable request, but in my head this happens:

Me (internally monologuing): “Right. That’s not so bad. You’ve got at least a couple of examples of that on your notes, just relax and… I wonder why some pigeons have feathers on their feet? It always seems to be the ones that are black and white rather than the grey and pinkish ones… I should look it up when I get home. Hang on, have I started talking? Dude, they totally know you’re thinking about pigeons. Yeah, but… ok what did they want again? Actually I wonder how many species of pigeons we have in the UK? There’s wood pigeons, but they’re not like the city pigeons and there’s at least three kinds of those… Oh no, I’m in trouble here…”

Me (talking): “Well… ramble ramble ramble… ramble… ramble?”

The rest of the session was agonising, with lyrics to “Friday I’m in Love” and the singing verb endings from A-level French whirling around inside my stupid brain. What needed to be said was in there somewhere, but it got stuck. Oh well. I guess I’ll stay where I am for a bit longer even though I could totally do that job. Not that I’ll be bitter about it… *grumble*

Can I get a do-over? Preferably on paper and in a separate room. Or even from behind a veil with my voice altered to sound like Walter Matthau. That’s do-able, right?

What the Diet Books DON’T Tell You…

Posted on May 16, 2012 by tehren

I’ve lost a bit of weight recently. I don’t know how much because I don’t own a set of scales, nor am I going to buy any. All I know is that my clothes don’t fit so well any more and I look a bit less cuboid-shaped.

One of my New Year’s resolutions was to move around a bit more, so I’ve been doing that and it’s pretty fun. I like to do something active outside of my usual daily foot-commutes and wandering around town four or five times a week, and it’s got to the point where I start looking forwards to it and, shock horror, enjoying it. I don’t really have any goals (I’m using the Nike philosophy of “Just Do It FFS”, albeit with a little tinkering) and I’m not on a “diet” in the traditional sense, I’m just in it for the endorphins.

Unfortunately I’ve discovered some downsides to my new-found activities, and ones that the various lifestyle, fitness and health articles and websites never seem to mention:

1. You have to buy new clothes.

Remember at the start of the new school year everyone would turn up wearing giant school uniforms because they’d eventually grow into them? I’m experiencing the opposite. Jeans that fit quite nicely a couple of months ago are starting to sag, and there’s only so much you can do with a belt. A belt will make your pants sit better on your waist, but you’re left with excess material bulging out everywhere and over the course of a few hours they’ll eventually start to droop, leaving you pulling your pants up all day. Tops start gaping in all of the wrong places, so eventually you need to bite the bullet and go… ugh… clothes shopping.

2. It’s cooolllld…

Winter and cold days are usually a smug time for me. I pride myself on being able to throw on a sweater, good trousers and a thick jacket and get on with my day while skinnier people shiver and start turning blue. We’re currently experiencing the coldest May since… some time, and I’m suffering a bit. I miss my insulating flab!

3. Being asked to share your magical secrets all of the time and only providing disappointing answers.

I’ve mentioned before that I work in a place with real people, and one thing that real people love to talk about is diets and new ways to lose weight that don’t involve the basic rules of “Eat less crap, move around a bit more”. After a while your changing shape will become noticeable, and people will demand to know how you’re doing it. They rarely like the answer. I’m sorry

4. “Give us a twirl!”

Once people start noticing that you’re not as tubby as you used to be, they will want you to show them all of the time. On a few occasions I’ve felt as though I should stand on a desk and do a little dance, or maybe do a bit of flexing and posing. Just leave me alone please, ta.

5. Creeps.

When you have low self-esteem and don’t stand out, it’s easy to go about your day unnoticed. As soon as you start feeling good it shows, which alerts creeps to your presence. It’s not flattering when you have to run the gauntlet of people standing outside the pub and leering just so you can buy some milk from Tesco, and it’s certainly not nice when some prick shouts “NICE ARSE!” when you’re running in the park. The best solution I’ve found so far is to never go out in public without my iPod, so I can pretend that a gurning old man is actually miming to Bonnie Prince Billy.

6. Elbows become weapons.

JAB! JAB JAB JAB! Hey I just found another weapon against the creeps! Maybe it’s not so bad after all.

Although I guess if you weigh (har) everything up, feeling nice and getting a bit fitter makes up for all of the crappy stuff. I guess if I have any advice it’s to just enjoy yourself. Don’t get obsessed with numbers, and accept that your weight will change throughout your life. Sometimes you’ll be lighter than you are right now, and sometimes you’ll be heavier. Just do things for the enjoyment of it, and don’t let the pursuit of apparent perfection rule your life.

Or else you’ll end up like the real people. We can’t let that happen! Have fun, enjoy the ride, be happy with even the tiniest achievements. Ta-daa!

WTFcessories

Posted on May 13, 2012 by tehren

Gadgets are wonderful little things aren’t they? Everything you need (or just want to play with) can be stored in a device that fits easily into your pocket and you can whip out with only a moment’s notice. What convenience!

As we all know the market for shiny electronic toys has gone bananas thanks to affordable chips, data and labour (*ahem*) and now they’re for everyone, not just yuppies snorting cocaine in a (s)wanky bar in the 1980s while blethering on and on about about the “genius” of Duran Duran into a mobile phone the size of a newborn baby and lighting cigarettes with £50 notes.

Of course with the increased availability of gadgets there is a huge demand for accessories, widgets and gizmos to accompany our phones, tablets, mp3 devices and mobile libraries, and these can range from quite useful and sensible to downright “wtf”.

1. The Dexim DF AppSpeed Monster Truck.

It’s a monster truck that you control with your iPhone or iPad. Why? Is it just to say “Look at what else my glowing fruit device can do!” or is it for people who want to play with monster trucks but don’t want people to take the mickey? Hey, if you want to play with monster trucks, just go for it. They’re cheaper than this waste of plastic.

2. The iPhone SLR lens mount.

Want to make your Instagram shots look awesome before you make them look old? Do you already own a series of SLR lenses and you have too much money? Then this is for you! With one easy payment of $250 dollars you too can attach your Canon or Nikon lenses to your iPhone and shoot like the pros don’t.

Of course, you need the lenses first, and I don’t know many people who just have loads of lenses lying around without a camera to use them with, so why not just stick with that? You also have to carry the lenses around with you which would necessitate the use of, say, a camera bag. You know what else you can carry around in a camera bag? Oh yeah!

3. Aspire ePillow for Tablets.

Lying on the sofa and playing with consumer durables is hard wooork If only cushions existed so we could prop them up a bit while still remaining comfortable!

This thing costs £40. Maybe using a pillow or a scabby old sofa cushion that you already own wouldn’t be in keeping with the aesthetic of your gadget, but come on.

4. The OhMiBod.

(This is a bit rude)

I have no words. Actually I do. Those words are “NO. DO NOT WANT.”

Seriously people, we’re in a recession as it is. Just be happy with what you’ve already got.

Funtography 3 – The 100 Step Challenge

Posted on May 8, 2012 by tehren

I don’t know whether it’s because the weather has been rubbish or that I picked up The Most Annoying Cold in the World Ever™, but I’ve been in a total rut for a good couple of weeks. Usually during my non-working/conscious/default time I’m all about the funtography/bonkers ideas/thinking about popular culture figures in silly hats, but this week… meh.

To remedy this and start to get back on form, I turned to the internets for ideas. After a quick hunt around I found 10 Ways to Break Photographer’s Block on Pixiq and my interest was piqued. I decided to give it a go and see about working my way through the list starting with The 100 Step Challenge on my walk to work this morning.

Well I did it, and I’d like you to accompany me on my morning commute. I don’t live too far from my workplace so there are only 13 photos, but come along anyway. Bring your own iPod (other musical devices are available) though, I like to listen to nice tunes as I wander.

100: I can see my ~~house~~ flat from here! If I was on the other side of the building anyway:

200: The little ivy that could:

300: A Gurdwara is a Sikh temple. There’s one just next to my building and they’re currently building a larger one. It’s always full of bright colours:

400: A lady on a bike!

500: Moss seems to like cement:

600: That’s a pretty good price for a giant breakfast:

700: …Bloody handprints? Let’s move on, shall we?

800: This is nicer. The cherry blossoms are staring to drop now but they’re still pretty:

900: Just in case you forgot you’re in Britain:

1000: Gosh. Somebody doesn’t like opaque glass:

1100: Aww, a poor lonely raindrop-bejewelled Coke can Who’s drinking Coke at 7.45am anyway? That’s not good for you:

1200: An informative sign! Sort of. The directions are a bit general:

1300: This lock looks a bit O_o :

And there we go.

I have to say, while it was fun to count my steps, stop dead when I hit 100 and just snap something, I found it hard to shake my desire to find the best possible angle and take multiple snapshots to make sure they came out all right, but I think it works best when you don’t tinker too much. The key is in finding something where you’re standing and making it into a photograph rather than stressing out too much about the quality.

I also managed to get to work on time, so it’s a fun little game you can play without taking up too much of your day if you’re already going to be walking somewhere. Give it a go